If we all had cocoons.

Sometimes I miss my grandma. Its not that we had a particularly close relationship, but it was there nonetheless. We had her all the time because my father made a decision when he grew up to be the son to look after her, after years of tormenting her as a child. With that, I got to see her all the time in the house. She had her own room in the house, while i bunked with my brother. She looked after me when I was young, we had our fair share of fun.

I remember the smell of her room, that old person smell but more, especially the smell of johnson & johnson. She loved that brand of shampoo. For my entire 18 years I knew her, that was the only one she would use.

I remember that day, when I challenged her to a meal race, to see who can finish the first.
I choked.

I remember when always without fail, she will go for her morning walks, either to the market or the park. Sometimes I followed her; but that was a long long time ago.

I remember the time she pulled my mum from the window. Days later, she went over to my uncle's and that was when I started to see her less. I recall thinking, is that small travel bag all there is? I rarely  never visited her, lest festive seasons  Chinese New Year.

I remember seeing her grow thinner, smaller.

I remember her transferred to Dover Park Hospice. I never visited anyone from a hospice before, except for volunteer work, but even then you do not grow attached to them because it was probably just a one day event. I saw her laying there, it was late and she was asleep.
We held hands to pray for her recovery.

I remember that night in Tekong, my mum called. I told my officer. He gave me a choice; either leave now with a boat prepared within the hour or throw my jockey cap the next day with my fellow platoon mates and get priority access to the first boat the next day. I chose the latter.

I remember fending off the neighbourhood cats from the void deck. It was superstition that the spirit will not rest in peace.

I remember everyone looking away as the pallbearers came to take her away. It was bad luck to watch her go.
I watched. Every second of it.

I remember her slow moving away, closer and closer to the flames. The door closed.


If we all had cocoons, it will be our sanctuary, a place to let loose, grieve, love, to think. It will be our very own place.
My place.

I miss you grandma.