The only reason I am able to answer your questions is because the morals that are instill within me and my beliefs are taught and shaped by the very man that is going to stand on trial.

I never believed that anyone is perfect, and even as a man of the cloth, he is still a man, one susceptible to fall.

I am not proud i left church, and it definitely is not foresight or whatever that made me leave. I just felt that the church was moving towards a direction which i know was not what it started out to be; and it was moving away from the very essence of why i came to accept God. Coupled with the incidents that happened that very year that shook my faith to the core.

I wish I could say I chose not to leave, because by leaving I broke my very word to many whom I said no matter what i will stick through. And I definitely do not deserve the most faithful/loyal award that Elaine passed me like a year back before i left, though i stuck through the cell group's worst moments; i still remember having a cell group of just 4 people.

Nonetheless, i left. for reasons that need not be explained. But the fact remained, Kong Hee was influential in my upbringing and that i will not forget. It is never easy to see someone you look up to since young make mistakes especially such a big one, but it does not mean they are bad. I sincerely do wish that the charges will be cleared, but if he is to be convicted, it does not negate the values that he taught because the teacher may be human, but good values, morals are infallible.

Human relations are like a risk venture. You wager the amount of trust you place in someone, hoping for the same and the fortunate returns of support and help in times of need. But like all things else, you win some you lose some.

While at times, you seem to be enjoying your dividences, only to lose it all in the end.

But still, its a risk we all take.

The small brown cat. Its back.

It means alot to me. Not many will know why, because i do not share it much.

Its been tiring at work lately, and most of the people i meet tell me that i look haggard. I myself feel exhausted. But its going to end soon. Just yesterday, I took over to be a supervisor again, and i sat down with the contractors, shared some 100plus and talked about life.

Old and almost retired, yet somehow they are at peace with themselves, no stress, free of tension as compared to us the younger generation. It seems to come with age, as wisdom begets age (did i use this right?). To handle situations with rationally with a tinge of jadedness.

The same lethargy that seems to fill me up. Yet, I am none the wiser.

haha. reading my old blog trying to decipher the screwed up kid that i am.

And i conclude that i am damn retarded. lol. Especially during my secondary school period. The language, tone and content sounds downright mentally unsound. The amount of slang used. hahaha.

So who was i?

Just a God-loving little boy having to deal with much troubles in life especially with regards to family and one who loves gaming, and is surrounded by a bunch of equally retarded friends.

There were a few laugh worthy posts, a few rare insightful gems but a bucket load of pure crap that made me go, 'oh god why did i even say that'.

I guess its why they call it a learning process, because even now i still do not feel fully matured as an adult, though i try to pass off as one. haha.

Love is a mystery, but to love is a choice

I think it will haunt me for a long time for not hitting the floor.

When the whole world cheers while you are the only one that mourns.

Something that only Grace Stamper will feel.

And all that remains after is silence.
The thunderous applause, the screams for encore.
When the only true audience of the show is yourself.

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Fuck, i love this song. hahahaha.

cheers!

Its a wonder i am not stuttering on lyrics as i normally do. my hand mouth coordination normally sucks like shit. I hate it when i pluck wrongly while singing, it affects the whole song.

But today i did not. everything is perfect. even for that song above that is oh so high in key, somehow i manage to hit it. Or maybe i am just delusional.

I don't believe she knows she's amazing how

Because my favorite song is still, prettiest friend.

and whats next on my top chart? 'the boy's gone'. Because i am going home, wherever home may be.

Random thought at work: Don't keep piling shit on someone because the time will come when enough shit has been accumulated and he will start flailing it around.

Started planning for my SEP trip, or rather we started on our itinerary for the trip before the start of our semester. We are starting off in Spain! woot! There are just so many many places to visit but because of the lack of time and money, we will not be able to experience all the things that we want to.

I will definitely visit Granada one day and stay in Paradores.



Life is a glimpse of eternity, just as a droplet in the rain.
What is yet to come, The mysterious unknown.
It scares us, but also pushes us to live life as we do.
Because what is waiting for us on the other side?
How do we not know it is just a repetition of what is going on now?
One day we will all find out. But in the meanwhile, we are still here.
Entombed in this human flesh with both mind and spirit.
Constrained by the laws of the universe, subjected to a brutal society which places accolades above all else and where adventures are appreciated in awe but rarely taken up upon.

Actually what i really seek for is serenity.

One offered by calming winds of nature, away from the hustle and bustle that robs us of our senses.

To see, taste, touch, smell and hear as we are supposed to.

Its a pity we have to run away from ourselves, our circumstances, our thoughts, our life to, ironically, find life.

This deep-seeded desire for more and the constant belief that the grass is always greener on the other side. Or should we be satisfied and settle? A question that cannot be answered, only to be lived out and for us to decide at the end of our life, was it worth it?

After weeks of sleeping only 3 hours a day, finally decided to sleep a little earlier. So i slept for 6 hours! Whoo. So badass. Hahaha. But i can definitely feel the difference. Not feeling like my head jus got struck by a bus and not dozing off while sitting on my chair. Lol.

Work has been rather hectic with Rodel, my attached mentor for now, constantly giving me stuff to do. I know some jobs are not within my jobscope but i am just an intern. Take it as it goes i guess. At least i am getting regconition for my work by certain ppl including my big boss who supposedly is my mentor but has yet to teach me anything. i think ppl are starting to regconize me more as i constantly bump into people i know, be it workers, contractors or supervisors. And with the end of today, i will have officially ended half of my internship. As scary as it sounds, i have already been here for 6 weeks. Haha. And my summer break is flying away along with it.

Ok enough about work. I realised i overshot my mobile data plan by 2gb. Like wtf. I totally forgot i am not at home and i left the computer on for one night while torrenting. And now i am totally going to be screwed in my next bill. I calculated it to be about 1120 dollars(it turned out to be 14,000 after i spoke to the operator). I am so freaking dead. Shall call singtel later to check; actually i should call now. Phew! There is a payment limit. So i guess i shall just mass spam my data usage and maximize it since i already hit the cap! Or at least till the start of the next month.

Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away.

How much is too much? How little is too little? I think eventually these questions need not be answered because you yourself will know how much is just right. Or as someone nicely put it, u will make the effort to if you want to know someone better. Ha.

Today I made a new friend. His name is Sammy, a 60+ year old indian forklift driver. At first, when he did not speak, he had on a face full of apprehension, one that makes you not want to approach him. But after speaking with him, it totally is different. Why does he have a special mention here?

i needed help with some lifting thus i approached him. He said he had to clear some cables to the welding store first and i said fine, i will meet him back at the fabrication lot after he is back. In that short span of time, my mentor told me to change the plan as there was no space to place the lifting. As such, i was to tell Sammy that he will meet me at the same spot again the next morning to complete this job. When he returned, i could see he was rushing back, eager to help; when he reached he told me he rushed over as fast as he could, even though i told him there was no rush. That was when i told him the updated news about postponing the job. He did not even batter an eyelid and just said ok, and that he will be around the fabrication lot in the morning and gave me a thumbs up.

such a can-do attitude, and no complaints.

even for myself, a little part of me inside will be screaming, why the hell did you waste my time, but for Sammy, there was no such vibe; with that age-weary smile and the good thumbs up, he is totally fine with it. There is so much we can learn from the so-called foreign workers that we tend to have prejudice against. yes, they may not be as refined in speech or actions, but their attitude and character, most of them at least, are top-notched. I have no qualms with speaking broken simple english, i find a sense of satisfaction in getting my message across and being able to understand them as well.

Oh yeah, i got yoguru. hahaha. a small reward for a long day at work. and it was so near too. The new J-cube has a yoguru branch so i went over after work. Its been a while since i went out alone and just walked by myself. I shall do it soon. Just blend into the crowd and observe people all around.

because my thoughts keep converging towards the same one.

Rambling.

Nite. =)

Because small things in life do matter. Shall get yoguru later.

Its a beautiful song.

Rather bummed these days. Just want to be alone, deal with everything then come out fresh and new. so tadah! here i am. Albeit not the best of shape but still i think its enough of moping around.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Everybody has a story, a way of doing things the way they want it to be. Every single one of them different in their own way; Shaped by our values that was instilled within since young. Yet the problem is, some rights are wrongs and and we will never know for sure. What is right to you can be totally wrong for another; a grey area that needs careful threading upon.

Forgiveness is to be sought and found. Sought, as it has to be given by another. Found, as it has to come from one's self as well. If u can never forgive yourself, you can never find peace of heart. When you fall, the only person that you should seek forgiveness from is yourself because you let yourself down; and it is exactly right where you fell.

You are your best friend and your worst enemy. The mental chains that binds you to yourself can only be undone by you. You can try to escape, not think about it, numb yourself to it; but it will always be there. a feeling that will not go away. In the end, you have to face yourself, your fears, your insecurities, your mistakes, and guess what? you have to deal with them, alone. Because no friend can save you from the bondages that you inflict upon yourself.


Went home today. i miss home. my extra big bed, my seashell toilet bowl, my fan, the smell of my room, the incessant malay singing that resonates around the whole neighborhood, the dogs barking like there is no tomorrow. To me, Admiralty is and will always be my home.

Recluse

Voluntary seclusion.

what a wonderful definition.



Sorry, life just dealt you a lowbrow; quiver on the ground while holding your nuts and quake at the looming shadow which has no name and no form.

Strip bare. Invite the flurry of blows. Because eventually, it will end.

Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, because remember; life is a game where you continue playing even after you lost.

Merging blue eyes and green eyes, we get both eyes! haha. Its so darn cute.

Life's getting kinda boring again, with work getting monotonous. Its basically the same thing over and over again. I think welding side sees more action rather than steelwork, or maybe its because at the ship, they cant really divulge much of the company's stuff and information allowed is minimal. Nevertheless, i think D1 is gonna be the ship i'm attached to for the remaining 2 months. Learn all that i can!

Woots! here comes the rain. like a tom to his jerry, like calvin to his hobbes; the rain is my long lost friend always there to make my mood more depressing. On the plus side, the fan stopped making the squeaking noises so i can leave it on for tonight. Its a short night before the start of another day at work, but heh, whats new?

How do you fix something that isn't broken yet it is, something that is not there but exists? Because it seems the more you bother about it, the worse it becomes and if you do not, it just fades away along with everything else which isn't exactly what you want too.

Lines that are crossed cannot be uncrossed and even if u head back, it isn't the same. My mum used to use this analogy about watching what i say. When u speak, its like releasing a feather on top of the mountain, once u let it go/out, it will be gone with the wind. I always thought it was true, then as i grew older i thought about it and told myself, what if the fucking wind blows it back to you? I never understood what it meant when the feather returns, but a sudden epiphany told me, 'it means that the words you say come right smacking into your bloody face.

So i hate just shooting off without thought and i respect others who do the same. But there are times when even with long hours of thought, the fucking feather not only flies back, it gets frozen and smacks u, HARD! and you get knocked off the mountain and sent tumbling down into the abyss for some self-reflection.

Hope everything will turn out fine, thats what i said to someone recently but somehow when u tell yourself that, it isn't as reassuring. haha. woot lightning! ha. so random.

Not too close and not too distant. But where is the in between?

Balance. Is it really the key to everything?

Food for thought.

In the end, all thats needed is a good night's sleep.

Is it just me or am i losing interest in american shows? i think its me.

A fleeting feeling?
or something more.
Once again dealing,
With that half opened door.

its a peaceful night. finally a night i can sleep in. Yang Shun asked me the other day if this is really the working life that i want? I replied, "why not? There isn't anything holding me back." I stunned myself when i heard the words come out, but as fearful as it sounds, it is true.

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Just the simplest of tunes is enough when it comes right out of your core. Songs that desire to be shared; shared to people that hold your heart. Please dont be scared.