2012?

It has been an arduous climb for me. Not a proud to for a guy to say, to admit going though the dumps in life. I think it was a phenomenal decision to move out of home and to live alone at NUSH. I plugged myself from wallowing in my own shit and forcing myself to do something about it; something different.

Definitely enjoyed the freedom of living alone.

I tried new stuff, signed up for Spanish classes, attended my first friend's wedding as part of her band, taught friends how to play guitar, went for 3 awesome concerts, dragon boating with my boys, interned at Keppel, got accepted into SEP! And countless number of other wonderful things that happened to me.

I thoroughly enjoyed my Spanish classes and its a real pity I have to pause it for SEP. Its like pausing one dream to fulfill another so i guess i should not complain right? Maria was a tremendous teacher, especially for one that just arrived in Singapore and not have a complete grasp of the English language, she still managed to get through to us, teach us and bring much laughter into the classroom.

Keppel was as phenomenal as it was humbling. I got to work with and alongside both the upper management and the lowest workers and clearly see how different it is. Though I would not say that I am promising to change anything, I can now understand how they feel, as foreign workers in a country that does not want anything to do with them. With that new found understanding, comes a greater deal of respect that I believe I have held as a child. Still remember the days in Rosyth, in the school bus whenever a truckload full of workers pass by the school bus, I will always wave to them to say hi. This internship also kind of sealed my decision to want to work in the oil and gas industry, of course the money is great, but more importantly I find it exhilarating. Lets hope this fire doesn't fade.

NUSH was definitely a huge part of me this year. Of the random outings to brunch/lunch/tea/dinner/supper, the movie outings that we often are late for. Guitaring, drinking and nights spent at 7a was memorable. Of course there were the nights of solo drinks, with different people and doing different stuff. Nights with Edric, i will never forget how a simple night of supper turned out to be so different. haha.

Of course these are just scratching the surface of a fantastic year. One that I have not had for quite a while. It really goes to show how life can sometimes be a pleasant surprise.

Of course I have to thank the people who have made a significant difference to my life.



Yang Shun who has always been there since forever, your US stint may have been rough for the first half of it, but with the ushering in of 2013, I sincerely hope for your time there to improve for the second half.

Bhavesh, the unexpected buddy from army. I mean, who would have known that two strangers meeting on the first day of enlistment who both are not in the list of recruits will hit it off on the bench outside the platoon office. Thanks for the constant encouragement throughout this year.

Susan, funny i met you as well as the nush family in such 'unwilling' circumstances. I mean if that 183 and 96 did not fly by just as I exited the church gate, I am pretty sure things will turn out very much differently. I can not thank you enough for the countless stuff you have gotten for me, and seriously its damn paiseh to take. But you know me, I will take one. haha. Not that I am thick-skinned, I just dislike the weird rejection of a taker and the persistent push of the giver. Well, all I've got to say here is, keep your head up, keep your cool and be a friend with a heart but a leader with a head.

Kim, u are not as helpless as you think you are, which you probably know. Its been nice knowing you through the past year. Even if it seems that everything is bad, remember that there will always be beauty left in this world. Have a good 2013.

Miko, keep your head up. you are a strong girl, and you have tons of people supporting you. if you need 7a, just message me anywhere. hahaha. even though there will not be anymore surprise koi, but i'll be just 12,906.3km away. =D. have a good 2013, fellow level 7 neighbor.

Lion, you know how hard it is to ask you out? hahaha. you are always flying all over the place, literally! You are so awesome! All the best for your internship and eat till your hearts content over there! =)

Serene, it has been 11 years. We;ve seen each other grow up and been through all each other's ups and downs. I know you will always be there if I ever need you and you know I will do the same for you.

Elaine, 9 years is a pretty long time too. Ever the optimist and God fearing, you immense faith in God extends to other people as well. I look forward to the day to play guitar under your leadership again. Thanks for being the rock I hold on to in times of need.

Ben, a true brother who never gives up. You've grown to become a man, one that I respect. I take pride in knowing that you look up to me, and all I have to say to you is its time for you to be the one that others look up to now.

Weishun, the bossman! Its been a great 2 and a half years with you. Just like Bhavesh, we are two people who were strangers yet somehow manage to find each other. To many more years of friendship!

There are definitely many others and from the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you. So as I usher in the new year with my parents, enjoying chili crab while watching Gurmit Singh hosting yet another event, I bid 2012 farewell with a heavy heart. At the same time, I look and move forward into 2013; and what better way to start it by accomplishing a trifecta of my childhood dream, to visit Spain, to visit Nou Camp and to visit Emirates stadium! Here's to end of the night, and the year; Salud!

Thanks to all those who remembered.

Another day, another year.

Note to self. Stop smiling like a fool.

Hope you find green and blue eyes. =D.

Its been awhile since I've spend Christmas eve alone. Peaceful I might add; actually not so much, with me trying to plan my route through Italy. Lots to be thankful for this year. But lets not get ahead of myself. Haha. I probably will have a very long post on the last day if I keep saying that. So back to bed, cup of tea in hand and press play. Its time for a in-house movie experience.

What started off as a steamboat dinner, ended with a mahjong game. Kind of summed up the entire stay i guess; one of fun and great experiences with different groups of people.

As much as I love to reminiscent all the good times, late night suppers, drinks, games and the wonderful canteen dinners or even the cluster outings with my boys, NUSH which will be part of 2012, will always be remembered as the year I picked myself up from the dumps. As depressing as it sounds, I'm glad I am no longer moping over spilled milk anymore.

As the apocalyptic hour passed, I am once again reminded this is the end of an age, the Mayan age, perhaps I can treat it as the beginning of mine?

There are much things to accomplish in the coming year. The most obvious of them all definitely will be finally realizing the Spanish dream. Titillating isn't it!? ;D. So sex-citing!!


Sometimes wants are not needs; when you get what you want, it satisfies, when you get what you need, most of the time its a pleasant surprise.

PIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

It takes a thought to make a word, some words to make an action, eventually, some work to make it work. Some good to make it hurt and some bad for satisfaction.

Some things do not change, but some people do. Heartening to see how Ben has grown, to someone i respect.

If there's a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine.

Last year I spent Christmas in Thailand. Caroling through the night with the elephant lovers. Got a new nickname by the end of the night, piewwwww.

11 years of friendship. ha.

its a different kind of atmosphere. All too familiar, one where there is no need to run from. Maybe that is meant by to seek refuge in? The same place that I have gone to countless times as a child.

This is my childhood.

Just adorable.

Its really happening! Always been so unreal till the moment you book your ticket. Though the preparation is so tedious and at times unbearable, I just know when I finally set foot in Europe, it will all just be worth it.

Spain. A dream since I was 11, and within a month's time, a reality. I cannot fathom the inner joy I will burst forth with.

Nou Camp.
The turf of legends.

Though I wont be able to watch any matches as the schedule clashed with the winter break, it does not matter.



Life's for the living, so live it
Or you're better of dead.

A guitar and a suitcase, everything's ready.

Which story will you choose?

I never did, because they are just stories to me. If believe is based on someone else's encounters then I suppose that is just borrowed faith. Then again, one's own encounter need not necessarily answer his/her questions on faith. The constant tussle between believing in self and a divine being is the basis of faith, whether you truly concede to the fact that what you went through was not achievable by you but only through a higher power only to realize the matter of fact is that you went through it.

Faith. Substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Without doubt, its impossible to have faith. Yet to have true faith, there should be no doubt. Exactly why it is such a unimaginable concept.

However, it is not a concept we are not too unfamiliar with. We live with it every single day. We go to sleep having faith that we will wake the next day, we have faith in the bus driver to bring us to our destination, we have faith in our friends to not let us down when we need them. Taking out the word faith, we can replace it with the word trust. Is that what encapsulates faith, The ability to trust? I guess not.

Faith is belief, the stubborn kind, where when all things fail you still hold on to it. Trust is not unbreakable.

Semantics, i guess.

All the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone

In the months I got the reed, it produced barely any scent at all. Then now, when its suppose to have lost its flavor, the wild figs spring out.

the best I've heard.

Answers give us peace, a finality in itself. Perhaps closure may be a more apt way of putting it. But is there an answer to everything? Is there sufficient reason for everything? How far do we ask before we are satisfied with the answer?

Even those that we cannot comprehend? It seems so easy to just classify them as ultimate mysteries to concede that they may be things we can never know. A double edge blade, one that teaches you to stop and let go but are we letting go too easily then?

Maybe the most sensible way to consider that is really Buriden's Ass. Some things really do happen for no apparent reason at all. Yet we get worked up over such stuff all the time.

Maybe all I'm saying towards the end of this year, is to let go and forgive; of things we cannot understand, of situations that got out of hand, of people who just dropped off from your life. It could be the impending Christmas mood, or just growing another year older, I kind of realize there isn't much space left in my mind to keep it cluttered with things that do not matter. Gotta make the effort to keep close to those that do.

On a very very different note,

Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong

Because home, is something I will want in years to come. Home is where the heart is. Home is a place I thought I had, then lost.

A night like any other.

Cold, peaceful.

Looking out the window, trying to spot out that all-to-familiar red neon wording of 'Singapore Polytechnic' only to realize that there is only pitch darkness. That comforting familiar feeling starts to feel not too familiar anymore. The shades open, revealing the picturesque cluster of high-rise blocks, another sight I've grown familiar with over this semester. The once empty blocks now scattered with families, marked by the lit windows all around.

Not one to share or talk much, I've made a decision to change that while entering here, and 11 different bottles on the shelf bear testament to that. After tonight, it'll be 12. But after all that, I've realized that no matter how I try to change, I will always be me, strange as it sounds its comforting to know that I'm comfortable with that part of me now.

It has been a great year, one which will be concluded very soon, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. I have 1 month left before I fly, there are still many things to do, and accomplish. Food hunting, meet up with friends, flight preparations, Christmas; it definitely will be a rush to the end. An end that sprouts into a new beginning, a never ending cycle, an irony by itself.

Its raining in a distance. Its beautiful.

The low lying clouds, expanding towards the middle, like a detonated atom bomb, flattening out as a mushroom towards the ground.

The occasional flash the breaks through it from nowhere, jolts you.

Before long, the darkness of the night covers it all up; mother nature only giving a peak from time to time with the sole flash of lightning.

It been awhile, Jack, its been awhile.

white flashes are now golden. haven seen that for quite a long time.

The holy grail of examinations.

I forgot to bring my calculator to an engineering examination.

maybe you're my snowflake.

self discipline time. way overdue.

Pour. Let it pour.

Unrelentingly.

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

Its true
Look how they shine for you

To see you smile.

It like 30 minutes ago you were playing in front of 30,000 people and now you are alone in your hotel room. Its surreal, and sometimes, it gets lonely.

I am entranced by this tune. Like the ambiguity of the story-line, it keeps you lost in time.

Then again, this came up.

steal my heart,
hold my tongue.

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

Big word. Probably scares most people off.

But to those that firmly believe in it, something special might actually come out of it.

Then again, it might not.

悬崖吗?

i think so. oh no.

and in the fracas of this entire week, i totally forgot to mark out the 5th of November.

In his memory, "while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and, for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."

may not be his actual words, but i guess its close enough.

Dreams are fiction, fantasies carved from fluffy stuff that make up the clouds. It can be a horror flick, a rom-com, even a documentary, but it still does not make them any more real.

But 3 is one too many. Of the same situation, person, scenario.

Never hard to be the one observing. on the sidelines watching the action. When caught in the heat of things, we then find ourselves unprepared, though we did prepare.

Its a fine line between persist and pester. A bloody thin line indeed.



On an even more pessimistic note, the sun does not rise, nor does it set. It remains stationary, in the vastness of space.

What a word, prof. what an illusion shattering moment. But that is how it should be isn't it? To live in reality.

一千年以后.

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done

Sweet and naive. Doesn't really work in this world.
Hope for the best, expect the worst.

The funny thing is that sometimes, you smile for no reason at all.
Just a thought, a thought of her.

Lana Del Rey is smoking hot. And Kaya Scodelario looks so much like her.

Changes, wrought by time. The era that passed, where nothing that belonged to it exists anymore. The walls, ruined over time yet preserving what stories that are left behind. The players of the game have long gone; dust in the wind.

We blame time. Time that has unknowingly crept up upon us. Yet, every second we know is going by. Seconds spent on remembering moments which transcended time, slideshows from a faulty camera in our minds.

Soon, feelings creep up on you too. Just as subtly as time.

Often the pretext but what about truth?

We easily shed off this mask we put on, only to slip into another. At the end of the day, when we take them all off, is there even a face to call our own?

Then again, who is brave enough to take on this faceless ghoul we call ourselves, to love and to hold, to be with them?

Even when we all know deep down, we are all one and the same; we look for the masks that we grow to love, as well as those upon others. Just as Harrison Morgan phrased it, 'she loves who she thinks you are'.

Then again I ask, is it necessary to find out what's underneath the masks? to be so anal about it all?

On a lighter note, maybe masks aren't so bad after all. They ease you into knowing people. Down the line, when that ghoul appears and is not what you can handle, its then you know, its time to move on.

could the winter calm come twice?
because your heart seems so cold tonight.
thirst for substance somehow isn't right.

forgotten.

Just a fuzz. Nothing more.

The lights go off one by one. Surreal, like a movie.

Fast forward, only the stair lights and a few families still lit. Those that will never turn off.

There are some things that wont go off. But for those that do, keep them switched off when needed to. A brightly lit building in the middle of the night and the middle of day will only burst the bulbs

Love your mental faucet, give it the rest it needs.

Ever tried to conceptualize eternity? What comes to your mind when you think of infinity. Just think about it at this moment. Do you see unending strings of numbers or the vastness of space? Do you see God, the light at the end of the tunnel? What exactly do you see?

Black. Just pitch black darkness. That is what I see.

Where there is no beginning and no end. Its silence, emptiness; just plain nothing.

Now, let the idea of no ending wash over you. Think it, let it sink in.

I think as human beings, we love endings. Endings are a closure yet a new beginning. Books end, TV shows end, movies end, school ends, the day ends, even sex ends. An end is cue for us to move on. It is completion, a whole of the entity. I believe when we cannot see the end, it brings about that innate desire to want it to end. That desire keeps getting stronger until we reach the end of the tunnel and heave a huge sigh of relief, knowing that at last there can be a new beginning.

It liberates you.

Its disheartening to dissect the human thought into such intrinsic detail. The worse part being having to accept that the mind may just be a complex system of syntactical gibberish which holds no semantic content.

But why subscribe to such logical thought when the human mind works in irrational ways. To fully grasp the unimaginable, we have to think beyond what physical reality restricts us.

Even so, the physical world sometimes seems other-worldly itself. We just have not fully explored it yet.

6 months. A glimpse into the infinite beauty of Earth.

Oh yes, not going anywhere without my trusty old Crafter. Not a songwriter yet, but who knows?

I want to sing songs to you.

animalai road.

something we used to laugh at.

as the signage passed, there's no laughter anymore



Breathe in the atmosphere.
Take in the music.
Open your eyes to see.

viva la vida por completo

Gifts, tokens.

Fragments of memories that seem to transcend the passage of time. It encapsulates that very moment, the emotion into a physical object. One that reminds ever so often. A syntactic entity that was given semantic content.

But even as these physical memories serve to reminisce, they too remind of both the good that was, and the loss that is.

Memories in the mind fuzz over time. Its impression based. Generally, a good opinion about a person is enough for you to see them in good light. With time, the fuzz covers all other memories and you only remember the good stuff. Sadly it works the same as a bad opinion.

Then again. There are some memories that are seared into your brain. Those that hurt, that slashes you up, those that leave you stripped of skin and swimming in the Dead Sea. Those that people build mental walls against.

These, we can never forget.

the broken recorder, the incessant voice that keeps crying out. veraciously pointing out the obvious. But is it already set in stone? Bringing myself through this unnecessary 'joy' ride.

Octoberfest was wonderful. Good beer with good music and good company.

Not that i am against clubbing, I just prefer to chill. Well, i read somewhere that there is just a fine line between chill and boring. Haha. Its up to whoever to judge me then. But that said, the deafening music and seeing drunk people dancing like no tomorrow can be rather interesting. Also, looking out for the solo uncles having prying eyes. Once again, observing people prevails as having the best entertainment value.

you looked great. =)

hell yeah.

can play 'slow dancing in a burning room' intro.

i am so nailing it.

now i cant feel my left hand.

It does not matter how you set out on the path to belief, as long as the belief you end up with is, sincere.

If we disregard any moral connotations, it seems logical; yet being the moral beings we are, it just sounds blatantly hypocritical.

smile. ;)

cause there are no new words to say.

If someone speaks to you, after a period of long silence,
it will lead you back into human life.
It is like staring out a window, when you are lonely.
At first you are just staring for no reason.
But then you see the cars, the people walking to and fro.
You see children walking home from school.
People walking their pets.
And suddenly, against your will, you are drawn into the thick of it all.
You stand with your hand hanging by the curtain,
and against it all, watching their steps,
watching the people walk, you are drawn by abstraction.
Back into human life.

really?

Why do i not feel so then?
i will continue staring for no reason.

不知道从什么时候开始，在每个东西上面都有一个日子，
秋刀鱼会过期，肉罐头会过期，连保鲜纸都会过期，
我开始怀疑，在这个世界上，还有什么东西是不会过期的？

如果记忆也是一个罐头的话，我希望这罐罐头不会过期；
如果一定要加一个日子的话，我希望她是一万年。

真的吗？

We enter the sand and we jumped in the waves
I got lost in your eyes and I stayed there for days

haha. cheesy eh. But the song has a pretty awesome and simple solo. decent melody. so its fine by me.

I wrote a letter today. a letter than cant be seen. but one i know resides somewhere in this hollow skull of mine. It helps just thrashing things out on the keyboard. into a computer that was not even turned on in the first place. Kinda puts things into perspective.


We try so hard. Too hard. We use things to replace communication. Objects, gestures, actions. But sometimes, that is all that is needed. Dialogue nonexistent, a simple gesture more than suffice to get the message across.

Me? I use songs.


Slowly, 7A is becoming just 7A.

Yep. The day I leave, it will just be any other day. It will not have seem that I have been or had been there at all. There will be no cake, there will be no party. I am just, gone.

Sí. no solamente en la muerte.
a veces la vida es tan bueno como muerto.
mejor la perdida de la que echa de menos.
a continuación, de nuevo, puede que haya perdido totalmente su punto.

No importa, es una ironía de lo feliz y triste se puede realizar en algo que llamamos recuerdos.

Screw any mistakes. I'm still learning. Enjoy.

ese sentimiento. de nuevo.
vamos coraje, enséñame a ser tímido.

Not scoring well for philo these past 2 weeks.

Ironically, its because I read too much into the question. Yet another explicit reminder. Basically things ain't going too well, but whats new. hahaha. Shall stop bitching.

Been caveman-ing myself, earphones on, locked doors, world shut out. Quite awesome. Surprisingly not boozing anymore.

Frustrated. Guitar. New songs. Pissed.

Been listening to john mayer more. Hes real good with these earphones. Very much soothing.

Yeah, its all random words and phrases.

Enjoy.

Consejos vendo y para mí no tengo.

escuchar, mi amigo.
escucha a sí mismo.
dejar de pensar y empezar a escuchar.

ain't asking much.

Not smart, not sporty, not much.

But since these hands can play a tune, then let them play the best tunes i physically can.

to want to keep it going yet not over-doing it. eager but not too eager. interested and getting more so. ha.

So, I shall sit here. Quiet. Tranquil. Still. Just absorbing every single droplet of serenity flowing through my ears in the form of wondrous music.

Eyes closed.

Now you're looking for the secret.
But you won't find it because of course,
you're not really looking.
You don't really want to work it out.
You want to be fooled.

Why? Because,

The audience knows the truth;
the world is simple.
It's miserable,
solid all the way through.
But if you could fool them,
even for a second,
then you can make them wonder

But not all wants to wonder, or wander.
they rather tackle life head on, though its tougher,
Then again, who ever said that was harder?


At least it has been a good weekend so far. well-rested.
I realised I miss my bed so much.

the satisfaction gotten from learning a song and singing it. especially overcoming plucking and singing at the same time.

So come on courage,
teach me to be shy.
cos its not hard to fall,
and I don wanna scare her,
its not hard to fall,
and i don wanna lose,
its not hard to grow,
when you know that you just don know.

Father Powell: You don't believe?

Grissom: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.

Father Powell: Even if they're handed down by God?

Grissom: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?

Father Powell: Fanaticism, not religion.

Grissom: Semantics. They're still dead.

No man is a complete mystery,
except to himself

the funniest thing about life, is that the worst thing that you thing you have gone through in your life, has already been done by someone else that you know in your life. Life is eventually all about perspective.

A man's deadly poison may just be another's common flu.

Perspective. life's ultimate tool.

"Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you"

if that answers any of your questions, then you should know what i mean.

then again, some people would throw that back to me.

who knew?

sitting here playing this wonderful guitar, singing to myself; all the time wondering, who will follow me into the dark. Because heaven and hell will never decide if they are satisfied, and the 'no's on their vacancy signs will always be lit. So into the dark we go (sorry, i go), the blackest of rooms where fear is the heart of love. Yet it's nothing to cry about, because the time for sleep is now.

Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won.

But because we move forward by looking back; such retrospective way of living brings a caution to the new steps we make. Yet even as we bravely say not to look back and barge forward, no matter the reasons telling us to do so, do we still find ourselves peeking over our shoulder from time to time.

The yardstick of success, of how much we've grown is still right there, behind us.

I guess when we say lets continue onward and not look back, we're just reminding ourselves not to dwell, not to linger. Because scars still bleed if you keep going at them.

Of course if someone else helps cover that scab, it will be wonderful; but that is not how things will work out. But that someone can do other stuff too, especially to take your mind of it. now, that's a whole lot better isn't it.

Yet how often do we let anyone, less someone, in?

Desparame.

Well, I'm in no hurry
You don't have to run away this time
I know that you're timid
but it's gonna be all right this time

Are we really deserving of anything?

If the world has to either be deterministic or not, then essentially everything that happens is a construct of what that cannot be controlled by us. It seems so preposterous at first, but following the logical flow of the argument, it really seems to be a water-tight case.

And the truth is, we can accept responsibility for actions but not feel morally responsible for its consequences.

As such, laws are put in place to encourage and deter good and bad practices respectively since justice has no conscience; it is either to punish or not. But to live in such a world, one then gets desensitizes oneself from emotion, we no longer find the desire to blame or praise because there is no need to, no one deserves it.

Are we then no different from a machine?

Guess not, i'm not cut out to be an emotionless bot.

its who you are with, not where you go or what you do.

and then you cant seem to stop thinking about...

whats the word? smitten?

maybe too strong a word. but it certainly feels like it.

Friendship.

Just like love, its incomprehensible. Why are we friends? we never really do ask this question; but when you do, you actually do pause and think. Why?

Circumstances. Chance.

Then it hits you. you don't really know.

But then again, must we? dissect such a beautiful thing apart, analyse the very crux of it? lets just enjoy what there is, cant we?

yet sometimes, the heart gets the better of the mind.

Lost?

Thoughts..

an extended arm, torn off by what flurries by
sometimes you put yourself out there just to feed the sharks.
nothing admirable, just out of heart.
because there wont be any fuss, when none is left.

maybe you're right after all, they can try as they might, but they can never truly mend those bits.

its sad, bordering pitiful sometimes. well, people hear what they want to hear that's all.

its past midnight, yet the sky ain't black as it should. a slight orange-purplish hue to it; glowing like embers in a distance. kinda nice, calming, peaceful, just,.. dazed..

"nothing is good. because nothing can be taken away from you."

seemingly painless true statement, but no. nothing does not mean it gives you the right to screw things up. It is no free pass to waste your life. Yet who among us can say we really have nothing?

No, I should not think. no ponder. And just look out, beyond the trees and buildings, into the orange-purplish hue.

before long, the night envelopes you.

Was it his moral responsibility to do it? to save the 1100 Jews? Sadly, its not. But not everything is based on moral responsibility, no? Some things are just meant to be done, not because of need, but rather it is just the right thing to do? Then again what is right or wrong, who is the judge?

but why go into all that? why would he ponder over how many more he could have saved, why ponder about the philosophy behind his actions?

Just accept that a wonderful deed is done. Because to the Schindler Jews, that is all there is to it, they are alive because of this one man.

So screw it. I shall go to bed, reminded that, "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire."

Visions of grandeur? Maybe. But to me it just means that every single life is important.

They say prison is a terrible place; hell on earth. But to those that spend more time inside than out, it is the only place they know as home. To the man who serves for life but gets parole after 50 years, its as good as sending a fresh criminal to jail; but no longer are the concrete walls or steel bars physically holding him back, they are already imprinted into his mind, his soul.

"Walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized."

this strikes so deep. because walls can be intangible like those you set around yourself to protect yourself from the world.

all their life, they seek a reprieve from all that grayness, savoring every bit that can be offered in the world of the free, cigarettes, booze, posters, or even the fresher air of the other side. but when they finally get the chance to be on the other side, all they want is back in. Change is hard, even more so if things have been the same old for more than half your lifetime; and you just want to go back to where things made sense.

Seeing Brooks getting parole, leaving Shawshank, looking left and right trying to find out where to go now in his life. Him on the bus, two hands on the seat handle, with that dreaded look on his face not knowing what to expect of this new world he is about to face. Him trying to deal with what we normally pass off as common sense such as doubling bags for heavy groceries. Its just heart-wrenching, if not for a better word, heart-shredding.

I end off with what hit me most in the movie. Brooks' letter to the fellas.



Dear fellas,
I can't believe how fast things move on the outside.
I saw an automobile once when I was a kid,
but now, they are everywhere.
The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.
The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer",
and a job, bagging groceries at the Food-Way.
It's hard work, I try to keep up but my hands hurt most of the time.
I don't think the store manager likes me very much.
Sometimes after work, I go to the park to feed the birds.
I keep thinking, Jake might just show up and say hello, but he never does.
I hope wherever he is, he's doing okay and making new friends.
I have trouble sleeping at night.
I have bad dreams like I am falling.
I wake up scared.
Sometimes it takes me awhile to remember where I am.
Maybe I should get me a gun and rob the Food-Way so they'd send me home.
I could shoot the manager while I was at it. Sort of like a bonus.
I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense anymore.
I don't like it here.
I'm tired of being afraid all the time.
I've decided, not to stay.
I doubt they will kick up any fuss, not for an old crook like me.
Tell Heywood I'm sorry I put a knife to his throat.
No hard feelings,

Brooks

They say home is where
Your heart is set in stone,
Is where you go when you are alone,
Is where you get to rest your bones.
It is not just where you lay your head,
It is not just where you make your bed,
As long as we are together,
Does it matter where we go?

musings with 2 cubes and some scotch.

With each beginning, it marks an end to another. Yet as we take time to look back and reminisce, everything keeps moving forward.

The train of life chugs on, never stopping. Often, people are left behind, those that cannot keep up with your choices and decisions, whereas there are those that you stayed with because you refused to move forward. As we learn to let go, of childish things, of hurtful moments, of stagnating periods, we enter to the new carriages of our life, be it empty or filled with strangers who we may yet call friends. As much as we dislike making choices, life is full of them; so what choice will you make?

It sure has been a fruitful summer and I know for sure the next one will get even better. Life has been looking up eh, heh.

So why the feeling of unsatisfaction; of something missing.

oh, be cast away my sorrows.

Delirious?

If only we could understand the things we know.

The lights dancing upon the water, carressing the ripples formed, in a playful duet. As the mind wanders, the lights begin to form shapes. Intruigied, the mind continues to watch as the images form; but is it what it wants to see?

A tear, an emotion begins to well.

But thats not the end. The images take on other forms.

A glimmer (pun intended) of hope?

Just as you thought you saw it, the lights diffuse into a blur as the boat approaches.

As easy as it came, it went.

The birds they sang
The break of day
Start again I hear them say

Yes, my friend. I hear them say.

There is no greater satisfaction than to see millions sing in one voice a song you have written.



Light up, light up.

2 movies, both talking about the importance of identity.

and then there is the question, what is the meaning of life?

But why do we need someone else to define who we are and our meaning in life? The funny thing about that is because they are probably trying to find their own purpose in life themselves and you expect them to know yours? Are we just finding excuses to deny who we are and hoping that what others think about us is actually a better version of who we are? Maybe by hearing what they think should be our purpose, we can strive for it and if it does not pan out, we have someone to blame for telling us the wrong things.

The war between being told who you are and knowing who you are, bordering on insanity. who do you think wins?

It is said your past molds you into the person you are today but what defines you is the decisions you make for your future. But how far can you stray from yourself, can we really change who we are or its just all futile.

But when your identity is robbed away from you, you do not ask what is your purpose in this life is. It becomes as simple as, who am i? Maybe its that simple and that is all we need to know, to comprehend; who are you?

I am YJ.

Occam's razor at its best.

to see each day through the eyes of a different person.

that will be interesting.

Goodbye little brown cat, it was nice to meet you again after 2 years. Though on most days I cannot find you, but on the days i do, you brighten my day a little to make it bearable.

The awesome Lib Sun team! Right to left, Ramesh, me, Uncle Ong, Rasu and Maran

Sammy!

My wonderful mentors in the welding section who taught me so much in such a short period of time, Seow Huat and Zay.

It has been an interesting 3 months at the shipyard and definitely a very tiring internship. the early mornings and late overtime nights. It finally concluded with smiles, handshakes and pats on the back. Its funny to see the hierarchy of the entire system and understand how they think about the company.

Of course bias-ness aside, you can clearly see a distinct gap in their mindsets. With the higher management encouraging me to stay and the workers telling me to run as far as i possibly can. But I still have 2 years to go and Europe before that, so i do not think i will rush into any decision just yet; this to me is just an experience, something for me to look back upon to think about and also to see what kind of life would be like in the marine industry.

They say to not dwell too long in your thoughts; to plan meticulously, to play out all possible moves, to try and foresee what will happen because that opportunity might just pass you by. Opportunity comes in different shapes and sizes, business deals, job offers, someone special, a rare and suspicious deal; but how do we make sound judgement? There is no guarantee at all! No, foresight does not cut it. 

Maybe there is no sound judgement. It is just how you play your cards as the situation plays out. Looking back in hindsight, you observe and learn what could be different, yet with different decisions you can never know where those will lead too.

Nonetheless, its still fun to ponder. Its a world where nothing can be made into something and possibilities are everything. But never let the lines between reality and virtual be blurred. 

"So is there any chance, that you, might, kind of, sort of,.. you know,.. like me, or..?"

not anxious to die, just anxious to matter.

and so it is.

was.

will be.

Its sad to part, despite knowing that we will meet again; because it will not be the same. this void of time, can never be replaced, it can only be imagined. Its true that old friends pick up where they left off but nothing can ever fill up this empty space of lost time.

like clouds, we part and meet, but never the same shape and size.

am i sad? of course i am. its rhetorical that i refuse to answer it. but the joy i have far exceeds that of sadness. Joy, because i know my friend will be moving on to greater things, closer to achieving what he wants to become.

Because as selfish i wish i could be, to want people close to me to always be around, i know its just naive thinking. Why would i want to be the chain that hold them down? I should be the giant fan that fan their flames, in hope that they would be mine as well.

so i would say go for it, ys.

same goes for u mj. doubt u even read here anymore. Thanks for everything. i sincerely wish you the best for your 2 years further studies. Maybe you can finally fulfill your full potential without that ball and chain that held you back for so long.

because of you, i've packed away that tiny box of emotion. detached myself from that dreadful feeling of losing something again.

no lights,
eyes closed,
just guitar.

at peace. yet still feels incomplete.

let the sandman take you away.

i think you are awesome.

Life is only made meaningful and joyful when you go out for a good dinner, have some casual drinks and return home to read.

haha. =).

then u read something else like, "I think the opposite of happiness isn't sadness, it's the fear of happiness."

and it makes you ponder again.

its the fear of losing that happiness, but ironically just through that simple thought, you just made it come true.

A beautiful exchange.

"you'll do the honest thing. You'll lie."

It funny how things supersede each other, where one's damage can be overruled by another. Does it make the former any less wrong? But we tend to overlook it anyway. And of course this has to got to do with work.

It is just preposterous that u can inform him in the morning about something, send a confirmation sms, inform him once again in the afternoon and he still does it wrong and claims that u did not inform him at all, before blabbering other nonsense. The curious thing is, yes i was furious but instead of flaring up i was actually more worried about the situation because it was a critical job, thinking of ways to rectify the problem. I just cannot be bothered with getting angry.

it does no help anyway.

"everybody lies"


Perception of physical traits is unreliable. A piece of wax, melted and distorted is still the same piece of wax. Our senses may deceive us. Reason is the only method of discovering fact.

Not to be discounted is the duality of body and mind. An entity can be said to be both “like this” and “like that” without giving up its intrinsic “like this-ness.”

"People don't change just because they wish they could."

i know that i, should be brave.
even pretty can be seen by the blind.

so subtle yet so clear.

Pondering over Pascal's wager.

Because as human beings, we always want the better half. Especially if we can never know the end. We make choices according to what we feel will leave us better off. It is not hard-wired to our system to take the shorter end of the stick. Because even when we do, we do it for our dignity, to achieve a sense of heroism that we can pride ourselves with. We love it when people put us upon a pedestal, it gives us the butterflies.

Pessimistic, no?

The question thus is, does chivalry really exist? But can we really know?

Just like, does God exist? They are all ideas that can never be proven, though some may disagree.

So why wager against the possibility of heaven, and eternal happiness? To answer Pascal, because as the Bible says of those who are sitting on the fence are as good as those who choose not to believe. So essentially without true faith, u can never enter paradise.

"You spend your whole life looking for the truth, but sometimes the truth just sucks."

But truth based on perceptions rather than facts are not really truth, are they?

There is no one truth.

"caring about, enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about, isn't that what life is?"

is it?

is life just about the things, the people around us? is it not about ourselves? can we not be selfish yet find fulfillment with life?

Is it human nature to want to care?

how do we satiate the void we feel?

yet as we extend ourselves to reach out to others, offering up fragments of ourselves away, leaving behind that gaping hole, we trust they would do they same for us. But human nature dictates they fall short.

to fill that psychological void, we create an emotional void; hoping that others will care enough to fill it.

yes they may never mend those bits. but it warms the heart to know they will never stop trying to, at least for that small group of them.

my bed at 9am. how i miss thee.

the simple things in life.

"Mami says its our spirits that make us human."

what about animals then?

Essentially animals do not. Humans are unique as we are made in the image of God, which consists of the trinity which includes the Holy Spirit.

So where do they go? Are they vessels emptied of life? Never to be found again except in the fragments of memory we have of them. The Bible talks about the rapture, the Resurrection of souls in the end days, but animals with no souls, where do they go?

Isn't it better then? To know that there will neither be eternal damnation nor paradise, to not be worried about where you are headed.

Because death scares us. But what we fear is what comes after, the mystery of the unknown that plays with our imagination.

Detachment.

Withdrawn from any longing.

is that the kind of world to live in?

It is.

Change is the only constant in life. heard it lots of times. but truth is, change works both ways; u can change back to the person u used to be and it is still change.

misguided purposes.

what is the right thing to do? can what you want be considered right? or do we conform to social norms to tell us what is right, but what is that is not right to you?

"When you have the ability to do good, it is your moral obligation to do it. You do not have a choice. You have to do it."
- Ben Parker

Yet these are stuff only made for the movies. not this miserable life we are involved in.

The main takeaway?

We all have secrets: the ones we keep; and the ones that are kept from us.
Secrets have a cost. They’re not for free.

There is a need to dull the throbbing in my head, the incessant chatter. To drown the voices and all that remains will be a blanket of silence.

Work is getting on my nerves. I cant believe the miserable peanuts they pay me for the job they expect me to do.

No whining, you bitch. Ok.

The experience and exposure i have received thus far i am grateful for. Engaged in a tussle between project managers, owners and engineers; it was exhilarating so to speak. It is intriguing how people demand for things and how others try to appease while others try to blend with the wall. Hidden within the facade of professionalism, you can see how different races, nationalities inevitably will exist tension and irrevocable disdain for each other. The color of your skin holds much power in affecting people's viewpoint towards you.

Yup and that concludes my thoughts on work. the past 9 weeks shuffling between hiding in the back office container, walking countless of times to and fro from west to east yard, climbing D1 just to get a signature or attend VSCC meetings, to going to the blast-tech to appease the ever angst Naresh, finding Ng2 to hear him banter on about his hatred for pinoys, and slaving away as a QC, admin boy and supervisor.

3 weeks left.

A momentary break from eveything else. Just watching the waves crash against the rocks over and over. Flashback of life's could bes, should bes and has beens. Pondering over what can be, might be, will be.

Pensive with a tinge of melancholy.

Work is becoming banal and it doesn't help that my body is slowly shutting down by itself. How could i have missed my alarm for 2 days and when i set it to ring at 2 different timings?! I need to fix this.

As we eagerly wait for that one thing; a rush within us brings about elation in anticipation. But that joy is short-lived as doubt creeps in; what if...

Just a sliver of doubt is needed to open the floodgates of endless questions and countless scenarios that will play through your head. Because we are impatient and irrational beings and the two form a deadly concoction of resentment which can lash out, causing unnecessary hurt.

so do we just wait? Secretly hoping or stubbornly believing?

In a relatively elevated state right now.

And i am convinced that this state seems to produce better music, which most probably an illusion. So i guess i am just deceiving myself. Even i am amazed at how i am typing this with little effort on using the backspace.

yet all these time i am thinking of you. I doubt u know that its you, but i guess it is best to stay this ambiguous.

yes, u take my breath away. not trying to sound cheesy nor corny. but yes, u do. as much as i try, when my mind wanders off, it is back to you. Fuck. guys should not be like this. We are strong. but what the fuck, she takes your breath away.

yes, i may be essentially high right now, but i am still clear in thoughts. I still can touch your nose and 'piew' you if u wan me to. hahaha.

good night world. 4 more weeks in Keppel.

unexpectedly, my blog got 'featured' in Singaporedaily and I received a momentary spike in reader count, but i'm sure after the entire issue has passed, it will be back to the same old readers once again.

With Jason Mraz ending yesterday night, it officially marked the end of the 3 concerts i planned to watch this holidays and also the start of a new school term beckons. He was really awesome live, his voice so dreamy be it singing or speaking, the song that i really felt got the crowd going was Curbside Prophet/Remedy. After that, the crowd more or less got more settled and comfortable and were enjoying themselves very much.

I really am glad to be able to finally watch him live. Its performances like 'Mr Curiosity' that made me watch him in the first place, just him, his guitar and Toca, who sadly was not in the show. And yes, he did not play, 'prettiest friend', 'song for a friend' and 'sunshine song', but still it was fantastic. =)


As time passes, things and people around us slowly(ironic isn't it) start to become faster and faster. Nowadays everything seems to be moving at such lightning speed, that we rarely take a break and just slow down, to sit back, relax and enjoy the process of the things. It is all about efficiency, speed and getting the job done. No longer do we appreciate nor enjoy the painstaking process that brings us to our goal. The one thing that made it all worth the while.

And with that realization, its no wonder we no longer appreciate others as we did. Because as present time whizzes by, we stopped learning to thank, and begin taking things for granted.

I, myself am no different. Because the convenience that efficiency brings has crippled me so much it seems improbable to live without it. And immersed in the fast-paced culture of Singapore, to say that you want to slow things down is akin to living in denial.

Only brief moments, such as watching your favorite singer, taking a long bus ride, long showers, I remind myself that life should be enjoyed and i should take a chill pill.

All the while, i look forward to owning my farm in Spain. With many many pets. =)

The only reason I am able to answer your questions is because the morals that are instill within me and my beliefs are taught and shaped by the very man that is going to stand on trial.

I never believed that anyone is perfect, and even as a man of the cloth, he is still a man, one susceptible to fall.

I am not proud i left church, and it definitely is not foresight or whatever that made me leave. I just felt that the church was moving towards a direction which i know was not what it started out to be; and it was moving away from the very essence of why i came to accept God. Coupled with the incidents that happened that very year that shook my faith to the core.

I wish I could say I chose not to leave, because by leaving I broke my very word to many whom I said no matter what i will stick through. And I definitely do not deserve the most faithful/loyal award that Elaine passed me like a year back before i left, though i stuck through the cell group's worst moments; i still remember having a cell group of just 4 people.

Nonetheless, i left. for reasons that need not be explained. But the fact remained, Kong Hee was influential in my upbringing and that i will not forget. It is never easy to see someone you look up to since young make mistakes especially such a big one, but it does not mean they are bad. I sincerely do wish that the charges will be cleared, but if he is to be convicted, it does not negate the values that he taught because the teacher may be human, but good values, morals are infallible.

Human relations are like a risk venture. You wager the amount of trust you place in someone, hoping for the same and the fortunate returns of support and help in times of need. But like all things else, you win some you lose some.

While at times, you seem to be enjoying your dividences, only to lose it all in the end.

But still, its a risk we all take.

The small brown cat. Its back.

It means alot to me. Not many will know why, because i do not share it much.

Its been tiring at work lately, and most of the people i meet tell me that i look haggard. I myself feel exhausted. But its going to end soon. Just yesterday, I took over to be a supervisor again, and i sat down with the contractors, shared some 100plus and talked about life.

Old and almost retired, yet somehow they are at peace with themselves, no stress, free of tension as compared to us the younger generation. It seems to come with age, as wisdom begets age (did i use this right?). To handle situations with rationally with a tinge of jadedness.

The same lethargy that seems to fill me up. Yet, I am none the wiser.

haha. reading my old blog trying to decipher the screwed up kid that i am.

And i conclude that i am damn retarded. lol. Especially during my secondary school period. The language, tone and content sounds downright mentally unsound. The amount of slang used. hahaha.

So who was i?

Just a God-loving little boy having to deal with much troubles in life especially with regards to family and one who loves gaming, and is surrounded by a bunch of equally retarded friends.

There were a few laugh worthy posts, a few rare insightful gems but a bucket load of pure crap that made me go, 'oh god why did i even say that'.

I guess its why they call it a learning process, because even now i still do not feel fully matured as an adult, though i try to pass off as one. haha.

Love is a mystery, but to love is a choice

I think it will haunt me for a long time for not hitting the floor.

When the whole world cheers while you are the only one that mourns.

Something that only Grace Stamper will feel.

And all that remains after is silence.
The thunderous applause, the screams for encore.
When the only true audience of the show is yourself.

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Fuck, i love this song. hahahaha.

cheers!

Its a wonder i am not stuttering on lyrics as i normally do. my hand mouth coordination normally sucks like shit. I hate it when i pluck wrongly while singing, it affects the whole song.

But today i did not. everything is perfect. even for that song above that is oh so high in key, somehow i manage to hit it. Or maybe i am just delusional.

I don't believe she knows she's amazing how

Because my favorite song is still, prettiest friend.

and whats next on my top chart? 'the boy's gone'. Because i am going home, wherever home may be.

Random thought at work: Don't keep piling shit on someone because the time will come when enough shit has been accumulated and he will start flailing it around.

Started planning for my SEP trip, or rather we started on our itinerary for the trip before the start of our semester. We are starting off in Spain! woot! There are just so many many places to visit but because of the lack of time and money, we will not be able to experience all the things that we want to.

I will definitely visit Granada one day and stay in Paradores.



Life is a glimpse of eternity, just as a droplet in the rain.
What is yet to come, The mysterious unknown.
It scares us, but also pushes us to live life as we do.
Because what is waiting for us on the other side?
How do we not know it is just a repetition of what is going on now?
One day we will all find out. But in the meanwhile, we are still here.
Entombed in this human flesh with both mind and spirit.
Constrained by the laws of the universe, subjected to a brutal society which places accolades above all else and where adventures are appreciated in awe but rarely taken up upon.

Actually what i really seek for is serenity.

One offered by calming winds of nature, away from the hustle and bustle that robs us of our senses.

To see, taste, touch, smell and hear as we are supposed to.

Its a pity we have to run away from ourselves, our circumstances, our thoughts, our life to, ironically, find life.

This deep-seeded desire for more and the constant belief that the grass is always greener on the other side. Or should we be satisfied and settle? A question that cannot be answered, only to be lived out and for us to decide at the end of our life, was it worth it?

After weeks of sleeping only 3 hours a day, finally decided to sleep a little earlier. So i slept for 6 hours! Whoo. So badass. Hahaha. But i can definitely feel the difference. Not feeling like my head jus got struck by a bus and not dozing off while sitting on my chair. Lol.

Work has been rather hectic with Rodel, my attached mentor for now, constantly giving me stuff to do. I know some jobs are not within my jobscope but i am just an intern. Take it as it goes i guess. At least i am getting regconition for my work by certain ppl including my big boss who supposedly is my mentor but has yet to teach me anything. i think ppl are starting to regconize me more as i constantly bump into people i know, be it workers, contractors or supervisors. And with the end of today, i will have officially ended half of my internship. As scary as it sounds, i have already been here for 6 weeks. Haha. And my summer break is flying away along with it.

Ok enough about work. I realised i overshot my mobile data plan by 2gb. Like wtf. I totally forgot i am not at home and i left the computer on for one night while torrenting. And now i am totally going to be screwed in my next bill. I calculated it to be about 1120 dollars(it turned out to be 14,000 after i spoke to the operator). I am so freaking dead. Shall call singtel later to check; actually i should call now. Phew! There is a payment limit. So i guess i shall just mass spam my data usage and maximize it since i already hit the cap! Or at least till the start of the next month.

Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away.

How much is too much? How little is too little? I think eventually these questions need not be answered because you yourself will know how much is just right. Or as someone nicely put it, u will make the effort to if you want to know someone better. Ha.

Today I made a new friend. His name is Sammy, a 60+ year old indian forklift driver. At first, when he did not speak, he had on a face full of apprehension, one that makes you not want to approach him. But after speaking with him, it totally is different. Why does he have a special mention here?

i needed help with some lifting thus i approached him. He said he had to clear some cables to the welding store first and i said fine, i will meet him back at the fabrication lot after he is back. In that short span of time, my mentor told me to change the plan as there was no space to place the lifting. As such, i was to tell Sammy that he will meet me at the same spot again the next morning to complete this job. When he returned, i could see he was rushing back, eager to help; when he reached he told me he rushed over as fast as he could, even though i told him there was no rush. That was when i told him the updated news about postponing the job. He did not even batter an eyelid and just said ok, and that he will be around the fabrication lot in the morning and gave me a thumbs up.

such a can-do attitude, and no complaints.

even for myself, a little part of me inside will be screaming, why the hell did you waste my time, but for Sammy, there was no such vibe; with that age-weary smile and the good thumbs up, he is totally fine with it. There is so much we can learn from the so-called foreign workers that we tend to have prejudice against. yes, they may not be as refined in speech or actions, but their attitude and character, most of them at least, are top-notched. I have no qualms with speaking broken simple english, i find a sense of satisfaction in getting my message across and being able to understand them as well.

Oh yeah, i got yoguru. hahaha. a small reward for a long day at work. and it was so near too. The new J-cube has a yoguru branch so i went over after work. Its been a while since i went out alone and just walked by myself. I shall do it soon. Just blend into the crowd and observe people all around.

because my thoughts keep converging towards the same one.

Rambling.

Nite. =)

Because small things in life do matter. Shall get yoguru later.

Its a beautiful song.

Rather bummed these days. Just want to be alone, deal with everything then come out fresh and new. so tadah! here i am. Albeit not the best of shape but still i think its enough of moping around.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Everybody has a story, a way of doing things the way they want it to be. Every single one of them different in their own way; Shaped by our values that was instilled within since young. Yet the problem is, some rights are wrongs and and we will never know for sure. What is right to you can be totally wrong for another; a grey area that needs careful threading upon.

Forgiveness is to be sought and found. Sought, as it has to be given by another. Found, as it has to come from one's self as well. If u can never forgive yourself, you can never find peace of heart. When you fall, the only person that you should seek forgiveness from is yourself because you let yourself down; and it is exactly right where you fell.

You are your best friend and your worst enemy. The mental chains that binds you to yourself can only be undone by you. You can try to escape, not think about it, numb yourself to it; but it will always be there. a feeling that will not go away. In the end, you have to face yourself, your fears, your insecurities, your mistakes, and guess what? you have to deal with them, alone. Because no friend can save you from the bondages that you inflict upon yourself.


Went home today. i miss home. my extra big bed, my seashell toilet bowl, my fan, the smell of my room, the incessant malay singing that resonates around the whole neighborhood, the dogs barking like there is no tomorrow. To me, Admiralty is and will always be my home.

Recluse

Voluntary seclusion.

what a wonderful definition.



Sorry, life just dealt you a lowbrow; quiver on the ground while holding your nuts and quake at the looming shadow which has no name and no form.

Strip bare. Invite the flurry of blows. Because eventually, it will end.

Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, because remember; life is a game where you continue playing even after you lost.

Merging blue eyes and green eyes, we get both eyes! haha. Its so darn cute.

Life's getting kinda boring again, with work getting monotonous. Its basically the same thing over and over again. I think welding side sees more action rather than steelwork, or maybe its because at the ship, they cant really divulge much of the company's stuff and information allowed is minimal. Nevertheless, i think D1 is gonna be the ship i'm attached to for the remaining 2 months. Learn all that i can!

Woots! here comes the rain. like a tom to his jerry, like calvin to his hobbes; the rain is my long lost friend always there to make my mood more depressing. On the plus side, the fan stopped making the squeaking noises so i can leave it on for tonight. Its a short night before the start of another day at work, but heh, whats new?

How do you fix something that isn't broken yet it is, something that is not there but exists? Because it seems the more you bother about it, the worse it becomes and if you do not, it just fades away along with everything else which isn't exactly what you want too.

Lines that are crossed cannot be uncrossed and even if u head back, it isn't the same. My mum used to use this analogy about watching what i say. When u speak, its like releasing a feather on top of the mountain, once u let it go/out, it will be gone with the wind. I always thought it was true, then as i grew older i thought about it and told myself, what if the fucking wind blows it back to you? I never understood what it meant when the feather returns, but a sudden epiphany told me, 'it means that the words you say come right smacking into your bloody face.

So i hate just shooting off without thought and i respect others who do the same. But there are times when even with long hours of thought, the fucking feather not only flies back, it gets frozen and smacks u, HARD! and you get knocked off the mountain and sent tumbling down into the abyss for some self-reflection.

Hope everything will turn out fine, thats what i said to someone recently but somehow when u tell yourself that, it isn't as reassuring. haha. woot lightning! ha. so random.

Not too close and not too distant. But where is the in between?

Balance. Is it really the key to everything?

Food for thought.

In the end, all thats needed is a good night's sleep.

Is it just me or am i losing interest in american shows? i think its me.

A fleeting feeling?
or something more.
Once again dealing,
With that half opened door.

its a peaceful night. finally a night i can sleep in. Yang Shun asked me the other day if this is really the working life that i want? I replied, "why not? There isn't anything holding me back." I stunned myself when i heard the words come out, but as fearful as it sounds, it is true.

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Just the simplest of tunes is enough when it comes right out of your core. Songs that desire to be shared; shared to people that hold your heart. Please dont be scared.

Jolted awake by a horrid dream only to find that my alarm was ringing as well. snoozed for another 20mins, before realising i'm gonna be late if i did not get up. Still pondering over life's what ifs and could bes only to vaguely remember myself always advising friends that the present is in the now. but somehow i always shun my own advice.

I rmb u once asked me why am i so jaded? haha. i have no idea why.

Why did my family almost break up?

Why did my friend betray me, hack my account and send sexual emails to all my female teachers?

Why did i almost die in a car crash?

The endless amount of insurmountable whys eventually gave way. Once, a little boy looking at life through a rose-painted glass which was mercilessly broken.

I still believe in the innate good of all things; i seek out the positive results in life and hold steadfast to the dream that somehow it'll all become better. Because somewhere down there is still that same little boy, untainted by the filth of the world, whom is someone that nobody can take away. But, there always is a but, he will constantly be suppressed within, protected from experiencing the pains of the world.

Life is a game. The only problem is even when you lose, you still gotta keep playing.

Death is a fisherman, the world we see
His fish-pond is, and we the fishes be;
His net some general sickness; howe'er he
Is not so kind as other fishers be;
For if they take one of the smaller fry,
They throw him in again, he shall not die;
But death is sure to kill all he can get,
And all is fish with him that comes to net.

Sometimes i still wonder, why are we alive for.

and just like this, i'm once again reminded of the fragility of life.

It doesnt sleep, it doesnt eat.

it just comes and takes away; leaving behind the pieces for loved ones to pick up only to find that it can never be whole again.

RIP Jude, though i've only met u once, i can see how much of a person u are by the way you treat junchyi.

you are just mind blowing.

"The transient nature of the intangible, makes it all the more worthy. We just need to constantly remind ourselves of its value ; the beauty which lies in the austere simplicity often disregarded. We must try to remember not to forget."

ur posts on ur thots abt life just constantly gives the chills.

A peace and calming night, one we have not seen for many days. The still air, no a single gust of wind to cool the room. The only sound in the night is the crisp guitar plucking of sungha jung through my music player and the occasional vroom of cars along clementi avenue.

It brings a serenity i have long yearned for in a long time.

Is this all? maybe it is coupled with the fact that i finally come to terms with what i have lost. Looking through your photos, i see a smile i dearly miss, a face i haven touched for a long time; a person that i have to now accept will not be in my life anymore. Even as you prepare to fly back home tonight for a few months, i guess this is a start of a new beginning for you, a fresh start. I'm sure you got your first class honours and the euroaqua research position. I wish you all the best because knowing you, you will go very far in life. Goodbye hh.

I went for sungha jung and preston reed with lion the other day. It was wonderful to see her after so long. We missed the first song because we went lau pat sat to eat. ha. But all in all, the whole concert was wonderful! Sungha with his more modern fingerstyle play and songs, while preston reed plays much more traditional fingerstyle methods. Would have to say i still enjoyed hotel california the most because it brings me back to my childhood where i would watch the Eagles, live in the Grand Ballroom, on LD. Those were actually good times from my past that i guess i will never forget. Great times i spend with my dad, just chilling in the living room, listening to bands like eagles, bad company, rod steward. haha.

After which we went to get yoguro! not a super fan of yoghurt but it actually was quite nice. lol. The more surprising thing was i met my entire ex cell group there at raffles city! lion and i were like going up the escalator then i saw sherill, then ruth, then basically everyone else. haven seen them since pf's wedding, i guess they are all doing well. =). Then saw Elaine, Serene they all while queuing for yoguro, had a brief chat. Kinda left lion there for a few minutes. So sorry! Then we headed to chijmes and sat down to chat and catch up; and i still feel that u are relatively guarded. ;).

really hope one day i will be able to understand u fully :).

Guess wad, u are also flying off today. lol. Have a wonderful time in Germany, i'm sure it'll be great!(don even know if u still read here)

Yeah, its time to look forward and move ahead. But nothing without labour, right? work for that second uppers!

because the flashes of lightning that fill the desolate sky tries to erase the bad moments that happen in our life but no matter how much i try to look at them, the blinding light only manages to white out your mind for that few seconds before it all rushes back in again.

The booming thunderous applause mocks the soul, an audience to the show of your life, starring you and your co-actors, bad memories and negative thinking, directed by depression and produced by emo-ness.

because that is what rain is, cold, bleak and overcast. It soothes a torn heart, a bruised soul; as they can relate to dreariness of the situation. Because birds of a flock, fly together. Because people like me no need others to spark off a bad thought, as i myself can do that easily alone.

yes u can have your bad moments, but i cannot take blunt sarcasm especially if i am trying to find out whats wrong and am actually trying to alleviate the situation. in the end, there is still a limit to how much i can give to u before i cross a line, something which i've been trying so hard to not thread across.

你呢，要勇竞！不是要我而是要勇敢竞争下去！要做个不倒翁。跌了又弹回来。:]即使自己弹不起来，身旁的兄弟姐妹们，朋友们都会副扶你上来。现在就先静一静吧，希望看到你快快恢复正常的你。又开心又说笑。 :]

"If I am to die, at least I shall die amongst brothers." - Gannicus

Brotherhood goes beyond just words, because words though strong cannot deflect the venomous blades that life dishes out. A true bro fights by your side, even when outnumbered, they will not abandon you. Cherishing victory together, sharing the pain of defeats; because joy is doubled when shared and grief is halved when taken upon two shoulders instead of one.

Just like how Jenko took a bullet for Schimdt in 21 Jump Street,

how Varro died so Spartacus can live,

or even how Scofield used himself to connect the wires that led to Sarah and Lincoln's escape.

The over-hype about brotherhood in movies and shows tend to sensationalize it to be something with regards to life and death but in actual fact it can be as simple as a mere extended hand to a fallen comrade. Because bonds forged can be binding not by mere ties of friendship but strings of heart; held taut by the experiences shared together.

The deepest of bonds in a brotherhood reach so deep that even innocent betrayal of trust that stings like salt upon wound can be uplifted and forgotten, albeit after much struggle and confrontation. But the roots of the bond lie deeply etched into soul. Such bros are thus said to be tethered to each other.

To end off,

"sometime wine and foolishness are needed, to forge stronger bonds." - Mira

Maybe the green fairy can help me find my true brother.

心软或心硬都会有人伤心。一项来都想着既然会不满不如让对方开心把全部的心痛都吸收来。因为她人开心也够。因为喜欢的女孩子都有灿烂的笑容。最喜欢就是看她们笑了。那也把吸收的伤感大量大量地减少了。。。

可是也该开始多为自己着想; because, you've got to learn to love yourself.

After hearing the song possibly for 100 over times, i realised that the sentence was actually also talking to me and not just for her as i initially thoght.

i never thot i will do it, but i decided to make a stand and stick with it.

i told u, mg, i am changing who i am.

i told her how i feel and how i think this is not right. basically i confronted her to put an end to this.

Of course i will miss someone taking so good care of me. but its still for the better because eventually it most probably would not end well.

but at the moment it seems to be heading for a bad bad crash.

something is wrong with me today.

i am brazen, insensitive and shoots of comments like a bullet.

I am a better person than this.

Whats wrong. do i know? or i just choose to not want to acknowledge it.

Its not right. i should not. These are words that i should be telling myself. While i have not done anything wrong, i haven done anything right either. Doing nothing in itself is a sin i suppose. Maybe another time, another place but definitely not now. On a side note, its been awhile since i felt so lost. also been awhile since i have been this close. watch yourself yj.

It's a new day, a new start!

oh who am i kidding.

because eventually we all land in 'london' and all we think about is, ....

the rain pelts endlessly upon the window panes, a cacophony of knocks that fill a dark and gloomy night. The reddish-purplish hue splashed upon the canvas we call the sky with flashes that translate into the a thunderous boom; it does not seem that the night will ever end. But eventually, the dawn breaks bringing light onto the gloomy skies, dispersing away what is left of the night before. Because with time, even the biggest of storms have to end, even the darkest of skies have to make way for the sun.

But where is thy sun?

As the pitter patter subsides, all we hear are the cars driving by. Because that is how it is. Life moves on no matter what. Even during the storm, cars just keep driving by albeit a little slower, but still, moving forward.

But thy car is just a bicycle, slow, unsteady and unprotected.

Even with the rain gone, a stroke of lightning just happened before my very eyes. Because, in life, surprises are aplenty and it can hit u anytime. Even when you are prepared for it, when it hits, you realize that you can never actually prepare for it.

because when u are feeling lonesome, the guitar just produces nice sounds.

I tried to catch the orange hue that enveloped the HDB blocks but failed. This was my best effort i took after a few tried with my Galaxy S2.

Even as i am preparing for my last paper for this semester, I started to wander off to the past once again. Are memories just life's way of mocking us at things we will not be able to have again. Even with that broken camera in my mind, it somehow manages to maintain bits and pieces of the not so distant past, those with joy and happiness. As it brings a smile to the face, as it fades, the smile fades as well.

Just like clouds, we meet and part without knowing when we will meet again. And like the lightning flashes in the sky, those are fleeting moments when we think of each other. The split second thought or connection that happens oh so randomly; jolting you with a brief moment of joy before leaving you scarred and burnt as it sears into your mind.

Oh lonely soul, where shall you go.

Happiness and joy

Since young i have always firmly believed that happiness is a choice. But is it?

There is happiness and joy.

Happiness is that state of being u are in.
Joy is the feeling that is associated with happiness.

But can u feel joy without being happy? or vice versa?

Joy is more temporal. It can arise from a joke among friends or seeing something funny happen on the train. It is a passing feeling that need not necessarily stay. One can by joyful for a moment yet enter into an abyss in the next.

Happiness is the state of mind. It can be constructed by how you view your circumstances to be in. I know that many people argue that your circumstances shape your happiness, but i beg to differ. I believe that circumstances though unchanged, can be viewed from a different perspective that can inevitably affect your happiness state. You can choose to mull over bad stuff that happen to you or complain about the shit that life throws at you, but you can still choose to not it affect you.

This sounds unconvincing coming from someone who is living in a 1st world country with considerably well-off status. But I have also seen people who are worse off than us from first world countries and yet still are in a much better state of happiness than us. They accept their situation and make the best out of it, if a better opportunity comes along they will try for it, if they fail then they will try again the next time. There is no mulling over spilled milk or failures.

Inevitably, with a proper state of mind, one can be happy and from that happiness springs forth joy. Joy that is pure of heart.

So I still believe that happiness is a choice. So what is yours today?

the occasional sound of the motorcycle breaking the silence of the night. Its nights like these that make you look back into the not so distant past and wonder what could have been done differently.

Anticipation

2 weeks to finals! its time to be prepared!

I should really be saving up for my SEP, but why do all the good artistes come to singapore in 2012!! argh. for now, i'm going sungha jung, jayessless. But on 20 april i am so getting jason mraz tickets! muahaha. then there is also corrine may! nvm, i shall ration my money and go for those i really support, which basically are the first three! =). Lucky i din go for DCFC in march or i would really need to work extra jobs just to fund my SEP. But DCFC was really good according to lion. arghh..

Even with exams coming near, i'm really looking forward to May. Because there are so many things lining up! I also decided to continue my Spanish classes at Liberis and so glad that Denna decided to continue as well; at least i have a friend to go with. haha. Cant wait for all the concerts especially since i'm going all with different people. Of course there is also my internship to Keppel. Finally an experience in the working environment as an engineer. Hopefully it will be a satisfying and enjoyable one.

Till next time =)

the fine line between chill and emo.

Its 4-5 weeks to finals. thus marking an end to yet another semester in NUS.

Things i've accomplished!

SEP applied and approved to Krakow, Poland.
Boarding Councillor at Nus high.
Finished A1.1 beginner Spanish classes.
Teaching guitar; students can now all play G Em D C in 4 beat strum timing.
Got into Keppel Offshore Marine internship from May to July.
Played for Peifen's matrimony.
Organized Sem 1 cluster outing to Tao's restaurant.
1st Place in Climate Change Advert competition.

Unfinished business:

find a cca.
Sem 2 cluster outing, Dragon boating with Jia Loon's cluster.
Plan Euro trip with Brenda.
get my first A.
Sungha Jung concert with lion.
IPT.
ask eve out for meetup.
confirm with edric about research competition details.
module mapping for SEP.

So many things to look forward to and accomplish!

My life for now is pretty much planned out for now. After exams, i have about 5 days of break before the start of my internship. Then once it ends, i basically have another 1 week to rest before starting year 3 sem 1. Furthermore, i have to overload the semester! argh. After which, i will probably rest for 1 month before flying to europe!



But even so, small boy still has something missing and at times when he doesnt notice, it hits him the hardest and worst. It purposefully tears him apart, leaving behind shredded memories of distant past taken by a faulty camera in our minds. But nonetheless, life goes on still.

一直以来
想找个好女孩
能给她爱
给她无限的爱

i doubt you remember this song. but its the one and only song i ever wrote, for you. and most probably the last too.